How to say

Everytime I try to write my feelings about my first born and the situation/adoption, I can't get the words out right and so I delete the post.
I love her with all my heart. As I get older, I realize I could have done it. We could have made it with her and things would have been fine. Adoption wasn't necessary for us. I can't take it back, but I can come to terms with the fact that I didn't believe in myself, didn't have anyone to tell me I could have done it, believed the lies....
I'm about to do it again....delete this. This time I won't. I'll make this sloppy, choppy and unorganized, but I'm tired of deleting my feelings.
I miss her, I love her and am so sorry for any pain I may make her feel because I placed her. That I didn't try to be her mommy, didn't think I was good enough for her.
That's it for now. Maybe more later?