Dear K

Dear Keegan,
This last Saturday, our baby girl got married. MARRIED!! I wish you could've been here with me to see it. She looked stunning, absolutely amazing. She's all grown up and it's so strange looking at this grown woman who was just a baby I held under my heart and in my arms for two days.


Her mom said she had your ring in her bra :) I cried, well you know my kind of cry on the inside, my lip shaking when she had her father/daughter dance. In a whole different world that could've been you, or at least in a bit of a different world you would've been able to be there to see it.


It's been a struggle living life without the two of you at times. I get upset and wish I could've kept you both :) Just seeing her there I know we made the right decision for her. I wanted to give her all the things we couldn't, and though sometimes I was upset because it was just material things, I realized in that moment it was much more. She had a God centered life and now she has found someone who will carry that through with her.


She's absolutely beautiful and amazing. Even though I didn't get to raise her, nor did I get to watch her grow with you by my side, I am so over the moon happy that I got to be a part of creating a child with you. I am blessed to be able to see bits of you and me in her. She is us, she is a part of us, and there will always be a part of you and I'm happy to have been a part of that. How about that for a weird word jumble?


I love you. I will always love you. You will always be in my heart. I hope that you were able to see her get married, in however life after life happens. I feel that you have been there for her though. I feel that you have been able to watch over her throughout her life and I'm a little jealous of that. :)
Our baby girl got MARRIED!!!
Love always and forever,
Me

Yep, just like always

*** EDIT: I haven't been on my blog since 2010 or 2011. I forgot all about it. This post along with three others (that really only had about four words in them each) were sitting in my draft box. This one was basically done and I just wrote "problem" to finish it. I wrote it August 28th of 2010. I figured that I had put a lot of thought into it, so I might as well post it.




This writing every day just doesn't work for me. I tried, but alas, it only lasted a few days.

So much has gone on that I feel I need to write about it, but it's been so hard to put it all into words. I miss my #1. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking I put her through things she didn't need to go through because of my lack of knowledge. That I believed I was doing the noble thing, that it wouldn't affect her and she'd love the fact that I gave her a place that had lots of things instead of letting her be a part of her biology.

That things that may seem normal to her, are normal to us, but may not be normal to her afamily.

Hearing and reading about/from adult adoptees breaks my heart because that pain didn't have to be there if someone had taken their moms aside and said "you don't have to do this...single moms are not bad"

It is true that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Her birthday

Her birthday is in 45 minutes (I started this at 11:15pm on 4/6/2011) :).... 13 hours and 15 minutes until the exact time 14 years ago she was born. My heart is hurting...no my body is aching. I miss her so much and no one can understand.
She was my baby and I let her go. This year is so much harder because so much has happened in a year...so much fog has been lifted that I just can't deal with it in the happy way I used to.
I miss her terribly. I know nothing about her and that kills me. I walked away from the LDS adoption agency because they said I wouldn't be able to have contact with her. I wanted an open adoption through her whole life so when this age came around she would have me there to answer the questions she needed answered. And now I am in the dark, and so is she, just like I didn't want.
I wonder if she thinks about me, I wonder if she knows I think about her and miss her and want to tell her I'm sorry if I've caused her any pain by placing her for adoption.
Honestly I kick myself thinking of all the things I didn't see back then. All the times I should have realized that I was good enough for her...that she needed me to be her mommy...but now, she doesn't...and she probably won't understand these feelings I have anyway. It's not her place to make me feel better :)
All I can hope is that she has a good life, that she feels loved and cared for and safe. That she can be who she really is and have unconditional love and acceptance. That one day soon I can see her again and answer all those questions she needs answered by me, hold her and tell her I love her and I will never let her go again.
Happy Birthday Kenzie.
These words are truth and from my heart....it is not my place to hide my pain to make others feel better about themselves so I do not apologize.

How to say

Everytime I try to write my feelings about my first born and the situation/adoption, I can't get the words out right and so I delete the post.
I love her with all my heart. As I get older, I realize I could have done it. We could have made it with her and things would have been fine. Adoption wasn't necessary for us. I can't take it back, but I can come to terms with the fact that I didn't believe in myself, didn't have anyone to tell me I could have done it, believed the lies....
I'm about to do it again....delete this. This time I won't. I'll make this sloppy, choppy and unorganized, but I'm tired of deleting my feelings.
I miss her, I love her and am so sorry for any pain I may make her feel because I placed her. That I didn't try to be her mommy, didn't think I was good enough for her.
That's it for now. Maybe more later?

Okay okay I have an Excuse!

I haven't written because of the holiday! We were out of town with family and then our barn burnt down yesterday..crazy I know
Had a fabulous time with my husband's brother, wife and 2 kids + wife's mom...and the whole neighborhood. This is the kind of neighborhood you want to have your kids grow up in. Everyone is friends, the kids can wander from house to house or play in the culdesac, and it is safe...and fun!
Last night after we got home, we did movie day and were watching Jurassic Park 3 (blog in and of itself about that huh?). We had shut the blinds so we could see the tv better as the sun was going down. There was some crazy knocking on our door so my hubby looked out the window and saw someone running around to the back of the house, so he went to the kitchen window (which faces the back yard). All of a sudden he swears and yells the barn's on fire!
It was our neighbor who was trying to see if we were home and she came to our back door and yelled for us to turn the water on as she grabbed our hose. I'll tell you, that barn shot up in flames so fast! We were in awe and I didn't know what to do because I couldn't believe it. The daze finished and I grabbed the kids, put the dogs in the van and watched from the front yard at the end of the road. It was a crazy ordeal. But everyone was safe and no damage to the house....the barn...a different story.
I guess that's a way to not have to worry about getting rid of past tenants junk. That's all that was in there thank goodness!

Well, it's Day 3

Went and saw the third twilight movie..Eclipse. Ya I know I was just talking about it. It was a nice surprise from my husband. He just suggested we go out to see a movie and that is what he picked. We don't get out often AT ALL! We might get a chance to steal a few minutes to go to the grocery store with out the kids, but other than that we are either homebound or kids in tow.
I thought the movie was good. Yes I have seen the two before. When the 2nd one came out on On Demand, we decided to watch them both one right after the other. Here in WA, rainy days are movie days, so needless to say, we spend hours watching movies! :)
I must say that Jacob (Taylor) gets hotter each time I see him. So sorry, I feel a little dirty thinking about someone that is that much younger than me! I just think that if I were her, I would pick him! It could be that he spends a majority of the time with no shirt on in the movies, or that his eyes and lips remind me of someone from my past. Or that he is just more attractive to me than Edward. I would discuss the movie, but I don't want to spoil it for anyone...if anyone is even reading my blogs!
Though a friend has told me the story of the 4th booh and there isn't much suprise in it for me, it was still a good movie.
I have been told though to read the books as they are better than the movie....but isn't that usually the way it is?

Day 2

I'm on here only because I need to stick to my plan of writing daily. Not much to say really.
I feel bad for my coworkers who have to deal with my borderline OCD issues sometime. I wonder if they cringe every time they see something changed in the daycare, or that things are rearranged. I can't do clutter....I do it in my house because I don't have the time or the energy to fix it, but micromanaging can happen in abundance at work....since I'm there stuck in one room for 5 hours :)