Her birthday

Her birthday is in 45 minutes (I started this at 11:15pm on 4/6/2011) :).... 13 hours and 15 minutes until the exact time 14 years ago she was born. My heart is hurting...no my body is aching. I miss her so much and no one can understand.
She was my baby and I let her go. This year is so much harder because so much has happened in a year...so much fog has been lifted that I just can't deal with it in the happy way I used to.
I miss her terribly. I know nothing about her and that kills me. I walked away from the LDS adoption agency because they said I wouldn't be able to have contact with her. I wanted an open adoption through her whole life so when this age came around she would have me there to answer the questions she needed answered. And now I am in the dark, and so is she, just like I didn't want.
I wonder if she thinks about me, I wonder if she knows I think about her and miss her and want to tell her I'm sorry if I've caused her any pain by placing her for adoption.
Honestly I kick myself thinking of all the things I didn't see back then. All the times I should have realized that I was good enough for her...that she needed me to be her mommy...but now, she doesn't...and she probably won't understand these feelings I have anyway. It's not her place to make me feel better :)
All I can hope is that she has a good life, that she feels loved and cared for and safe. That she can be who she really is and have unconditional love and acceptance. That one day soon I can see her again and answer all those questions she needs answered by me, hold her and tell her I love her and I will never let her go again.
Happy Birthday Kenzie.
These words are truth and from my heart....it is not my place to hide my pain to make others feel better about themselves so I do not apologize.

How to say

Everytime I try to write my feelings about my first born and the situation/adoption, I can't get the words out right and so I delete the post.
I love her with all my heart. As I get older, I realize I could have done it. We could have made it with her and things would have been fine. Adoption wasn't necessary for us. I can't take it back, but I can come to terms with the fact that I didn't believe in myself, didn't have anyone to tell me I could have done it, believed the lies....
I'm about to do it again....delete this. This time I won't. I'll make this sloppy, choppy and unorganized, but I'm tired of deleting my feelings.
I miss her, I love her and am so sorry for any pain I may make her feel because I placed her. That I didn't try to be her mommy, didn't think I was good enough for her.
That's it for now. Maybe more later?