Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Her birthday

Her birthday is in 45 minutes (I started this at 11:15pm on 4/6/2011) :).... 13 hours and 15 minutes until the exact time 14 years ago she was born. My heart is hurting...no my body is aching. I miss her so much and no one can understand.
She was my baby and I let her go. This year is so much harder because so much has happened in a year...so much fog has been lifted that I just can't deal with it in the happy way I used to.
I miss her terribly. I know nothing about her and that kills me. I walked away from the LDS adoption agency because they said I wouldn't be able to have contact with her. I wanted an open adoption through her whole life so when this age came around she would have me there to answer the questions she needed answered. And now I am in the dark, and so is she, just like I didn't want.
I wonder if she thinks about me, I wonder if she knows I think about her and miss her and want to tell her I'm sorry if I've caused her any pain by placing her for adoption.
Honestly I kick myself thinking of all the things I didn't see back then. All the times I should have realized that I was good enough for her...that she needed me to be her mommy...but now, she doesn't...and she probably won't understand these feelings I have anyway. It's not her place to make me feel better :)
All I can hope is that she has a good life, that she feels loved and cared for and safe. That she can be who she really is and have unconditional love and acceptance. That one day soon I can see her again and answer all those questions she needs answered by me, hold her and tell her I love her and I will never let her go again.
Happy Birthday Kenzie.
These words are truth and from my heart....it is not my place to hide my pain to make others feel better about themselves so I do not apologize.

3 comments:

Susie said...

I'm so sorry ~ unfortunately I DO understand the aching hurt that you feel in every cell of your body.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you fell victim to societies views of single mothers, to the adoption industry that has spent millions of dollars finding ways to make women facing an unexpected pregnancy feel unworthy of being parents.

Don't ever hide the true pain behind adoption loss. The truth needs to be told.

Happy Birthday to your precious Kenzie ~ and I send you much love and positive energy to help you through these difficult days surrounding your loss.

Anonymous said...

Once the brainwashing wears off of us not being good enough to raise our child, it is a very difficult reality to face. The deception is crippling. I often think that it would have been better for me to not remember and to continue to think that adoption was a choice and that I was being a good mother by choosing it. But then, who would fight for justice if not us who have faced the reality, bear the full weight of the pain and have retrieved most of our memories back?

Barbara Thavis said...

Please keep writing. We were duped out of our children. The most precious gift God bestows on women and we were talked out of raising our kids. Just so some infertile woman could be called mommy. It's a horrible injustice and I am working to let young women with an unplanned pregnancy know the truth.